Going down under

I did not write much recently. In fact, I was living in a cave pretending to be a hermit, avoiding people. I withdrew myself from all social circles and only attended the ones where life and death matters, like family functions. Other than that I prefer to be at home, wallowing my emotions.

All of these signs actually show that I am near depression. As someone who had been through the walk before, I know a little too well that reality is going to hit me again.

I am sad, yes. Very sad actually. Well, it all started when someone promised me something in April, to execute it in June. And as all of you are aware, we are currently in the month of October. Six months had passed and still there is no sign of this person carrying out the promise. I am miserable because it had really affected my life. A lot of things were distrupted because of this one broken promise. Maybe the maker of the promise is not aware of all these things but I am very much in misery trying to keep my chin up.

Maybe you are wondering why didn't I take any legal action? I am, for God's sake, practicing law. Well, the situation hinders me from taking such action. All I have now is the hanging promise and to keep praying.

I marvel at the fact that this particular person can easily do this to me. It is more upsetting because whenever I send a message to ask for explanation, I was treated like a beggar. Sometimes my messages went unreplied. Like I have no self worth at all. What fascinates me is that this person posted a lot of du'as, life lessons and all the good things in the world in social medias. You did not forget something did you? Like the promise you made to me sometime ago?

You will never know how much a promise affects a person's life. It had been 4 months now and I am still deeply in grieved of what had happened. I am neglecting all the other aspects of my life and this really can't be good. Mr H had repeatedly told me to not look at the closed door and start looking at the wonderful life I am having right now beside this one hurtful misfortune. And to tell the truth, I am not sure why I could not detach myself from it. Maybe the promise that was supposed to be carry out affects a significant part of my life? I honestly don't know.

Consequently, I do know that I can't be this way forever. I have to give myself a jump start and embrace all the positive things that are also unfolding in my life. I have an exam coming up this December and I am still clueless about the subject. I must NOT lose hope!

I know Allah is fair and kifarah is actually a real thing. I hope that person knows that as much as I try to understand the catastrophic events that happened recently, that maybe contributed to the actions taken, I too, have a set of problems on my own. It is not fair to just leave me in the dark and not replying to my messages is just plain rude. I had even used the word 'begging' in some of my messages and that means I had put myself so low just to be trampled on.

Well, I will just let nature take its course then. Allah will not let me be in vain. And again, kifarah as you know, is a real thing. I just have to grab the wheel of my life and take command. Fast. Maybe it is time to read Submitting to Allah again.

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