Depression... And the other half

A person with severe depression needs guidance and understanding from people around them. If he/she happens to be married, then a compassionate partner is a MUST! As someone who was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder before (you can read my experience here), trust me, we do not choose and want to be in this condition either. Depression drains our energy and being tired all the time sucks. Pardon my language, but this is the scary fact. 

Having to create shells as fortress to protect our own self, usually in our own bed, because the world is just too cruel against us, is soooo tiring. I remember when I was in this situation, I would just curled myself on bed and cried myself to sleep. I had friends but I withdrew from all social circles because sometimes they asked too many questions and I felt that nobody understands me. So I chose to keep quiet and just be on my own. 

Egg, Hammer, Threaten, Violence, Fear

It is important to have an understanding partner to be beside you when you are in this condition. I am talking about our life partner or simply put as our better half. Thus, it is important also for me to point out here that, that better half should also not be the cause of our depression. If he/ she is, hmm... I am afraid of the chance for you to get better...

I received many emails from readers of this blog regarding their own ordeals of depression. To tell the truth, majority that wrote to me admitted that their partner is the one that caused their depression. That would mean, the main reason that triggers their depression is the person who should be a protecting umbrella instead of creating more rain.

To be frank, I left my first marriage because of depression. I just could not take it anymore. The pain was unbearable and I was afraid that I had become a zombie, living and walking around, breathing... but lifeless. I did not feel the happiness and whenever we had disagreements, I always imagined hanging myself to a fan. This is the sad truth. I reached to a point where I thought, dying was better than living. So one day, I put a stop to all these and just walked away. 

Reaper, Death, Halloween, Spooky, Scary

Of course it was not an easy decision to make. I was also very much aware of the stigma that will be attached to me as someone who has gone through D. Sorry I could not type the word in full. The pain is still there thinking about it. I took a decision that changed the landscape of my life. I knew I was going to be more lonely but wouldn't it be better than to be in a toxic relationship and dealt with the pain everyday?

Ladies, I am not preaching for D, but our self worth is vital to our mental health. It is time to take the plaster off once and for all. Yes, it would bleed profusely but nothing is permanent in this world.  If things just can't work out, then maybe it is time to move forward. Alone. Things will be better in the future... in shaa Allah.

Some of the emails I received were from wives with children. They told me that it's a difficult decision for them because they still want their children to have a dad. They also said it was easy for me to make such decision because I was childless. Well, it's true. It was easy for me because I did not have to think about anybody else when I took the decision. However, if I am a mother, I certainly would not want my children to have a general idea that men should behave like their father. This is an example I wouldn't want my children to follow. 

Children, Tricycle, Toys

One question that I asked myself when I was in the brink of making a decision, "Do I want to carry on living like this for another 30 years? Trap in this unhappy marriage just for the sake of embarrassment?" It wouldn't be a wise decision. And mind you, when I made that decision, I was truly alone. I was unsure about my future either. Will I remarry, will I find happiness again? These were the questions that bother me but... to go back again to the heartbroken marriage... I just couldn't.

I met Mr H a year after my D. As told in this post here, we were just colleagues and one day, BAM! we were in love, hahaha. I can feel that my marriage to Mr H sparks a lot of joy and is so different from my previous one. I finally find happiness and a man to take care of me and protect me to his last breath. Errr.. that was his vows on our wedding day, so I hope he will hold on to that, still. Mr H is the type of man who would run to the store even at 3 a.m. in the morning if I have sudden craving for ice-cream. I thank Allah everyday for this blessing that came knocking on my doorstep and remains there. 

Heart, Wedding, Marriage, Love, Hands

I admit, Mr H is a shining star in my life and he was among the reasons I wanted to get well and moved away from depression. He understands my situation and is always helpful when I am going through relapse. Never once did he point out my shortcomings in all of our marital arguments. We do fight like normal couples. I seriously didn't think that I would find love again but here I am, so much better than who I was years ago. 

Clouds, Rainbow, Meadow, Colorful

As I had mentioned from the start, having an understanding other half is important to people like us. If our partner can't understand our depressive disorder, or worst.. is the cause of it, perhaps it is time to rethink and do what's best for ourselves. I mean, how long do you still want to be in that helpless situation? Another year? Or maybe 30 years? Give change a chance. Your face deserves a smile especially after going through a stormy storm.

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